


Ho-Ho-Ho Green Bri-Ant

by narwhalpuppy



Category: Family Guy (Cartoon)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21683815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narwhalpuppy/pseuds/narwhalpuppy
Summary: Brian and Stewie become Meth Dealers and run into some familiar faces. Stewie invents a pill for Brian to take that enables him to become large and green whenever they are in trouble.  Subplot involves Lois and Meg going out to dinner then running into some criminal peril.   Can Peter save them before it's too late?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Ho-Ho-Ho Green Bri-Ant

Hello out there in Fanfiction land! It has been so long since I've done a Family Guy fanfiction. So I have decided to do one! (JOY!) In this one I am using Penelope, Stewie's old flame and Finn! Who you might know from the episode Stewie is Enciente. Often thought about what would happen if Brian and Stewie ever did crossed paths with Penelope or Finn once more. 

All right, less explaining, more fanfiction! Here we go...................

Family Guy Presents

A Narwhal Puppy Production

Ho-Ho-Ho Green Bri-Ant

Lois was driving back home from getting groceries. As she was passing the Pet Cemetery, she sees Bruce there. Deciding to see what was going on, Lois drives to the cemetery to talk to Bruce. "Hi, Bruce! Haven't seen you in a while? What's going on?" she Lois. Bruce was inconsolable. He was standing over a grave of some puppies he adopted from the shelter. "Oh, hey Lois." Bruce said. "You must've suffered a great loss." Lois added. "I did. My partner Jeff and I adopted some puppies that were deformed, and then when we brought them home from the shelter they died the next day. All expect one." Bruce tells his story. "My god. I feel so bad for you. Do you have a picture of the puppies?" Lois asked. Bruce reaches into his pocket and takes out a picture. The puppies were the ones that Brian and Stewie had. 

Lois glimpses at the picture, "Oh! They almost look like a combination of Brian and Stewie. What happened to the one that survived?" "He ran away. His name was Finn. I'd do anything to see him again." Bruce cries. "How long ago was this?" Lois question. "It was back in 2015." Bruce told Lois. "Very sorry for your loss. Nothing worse than losing a pet. Almost like losing a child." 

Lois extended her sympathy. "Thanks so much for your kindness, Lois. Every year around this time I always come here to pay my respects to what could've been my pets." said Bruce. Bruce gives Lois a coupon for a swanky restaurant. "Would you like to have this?" asked Bruce. "Sure, I'll take it." Lois takes the coupon and tells Bruce, "If you ever want to talk, let me know." "You'll be the first to know. Hope you enjoy that restaurant at least." Bruce says waving good bye. 

Driving back home, Lois could not get that image out of her head about those hybrid puppies. "How could this have happened? Why did those puppies look so much like Brian and Stewie? Maybe that one puppy who ran away can be found and can tell us." Lois talks to herself. "That's the downright weirdest thing I've ever seen! Even more than that Judith Barsi commercial about Donald Duck Orange Juice!" 

Cutaway Scene:

Judith Barsi was sitting at the kitchen table pouring orange juice. "The one good thing about Donald Duck 100% Orange Juice is......." As Judith was about to go on, Donald Duck jumps out of the closet and shouts, "THIS WASN'T IN MY (BEEP)ing CONTRACT! I NEVER ASKED TO HAVE MY OWN SHITTY ORANGE JUICE!" Judith looks up at Donald astonished, "Woah! You really are mean!" 

At the Griffin house, Brian hears some opera coming from Stewie's room.

"What is he up to now? Is he watching the Mario Lanza movie The Great Caruso?" Brian asked to himself. 

Opening the door to Stewie's bedroom, Brian was in complete awe of what Stewie was doing. Brian sees Stewie standing on a table dressed in a clown suit once worn by Luciano Pavarotti and he was singing, Pagliaccio. All his stuffed animals like the Octopus and Rupert were the 'audience.' The opera was playing on an MP3 player and Brian goes to unplug it. 

"Laa! Laa! Uhhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!" Stewie sang even though the music was turned off before he could notice. When Stewie knew that the music ended he turned to the Griffin dog started beating on Brian. 

"YOU ASSHOLE! YOU DICK! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!" Stewie shouts. 

"I wanted to talk to you and......"

"How dare you ruin my beautiful Italian Opera, Brian! I'll have your balls for this!" 

"All right! I apologize! I unplugged it because I wanted to talk to you!" Brian said. 

"Okay you got my attention! What do you want?" asked Stewie. 

"Why exactly were you singing opera?" asked Brian off the cuff. 

"It's a cover. And now that you invited yourself into it. I might as well show you!" Stewie said. Taking off the clown costume and underneath were his regular clothes. Leading the way to his 'Weapons' room, Stewie shows Brian his latest stunt. 

Walking around the weapons room, Brian sees nothing new. "What's this new thing you're on!" said Brian. "Keep following me, you'll see!" Stewie said. Opening another door, the room revealed a meth lab. 

"That's a meth lab, Stewie! You're making METH!" Brian was out of his mind with startlement. 

"It is Brian! I'm really 'cooking' with it!" Stewie stands proudly. 

"Where did you get it?" Brian asked. 

"Remember when the Fatman went on that kick about being a farmer? Well, I secretly snuck back there and got this meth lab from said farm. Where I've been very discreet about it since." Stewie explains himself. 

"You've been a meth dealer this whole time and you've been under the radar about it?" Brian shouted. 

"Catching on really good there, Brian! Now that you know my little secret, you're going to help me!" Stewie said. 

"Oh shit. What did I get myself into!" Brian said looking at the screen. "This is even worse than that commercial I saw about Jackie Gleason and Don Knotts!" 

Cutaway Scene:

Jackie Gleason and Don Knotts were standing next to each other. 

"Hi, I'm Jackie Gleason!" 

"And I'm D-d-d-d-on! Kn-n-n-n-nots!" 

"What is the one thing we have in common? Tell them Don!" 

"That's easy Jackie! We both didn't become famous until we were in our 40s!" 

"What we mean by that is......." Jackie Gleason begins. 

"Not everyone peeks in their twenties!" Don Knotts finished. 

"So keep doing what you're doing to become famous!" Jackie Gleason said.

"You'll get there someday! Just don't expect it to happen overnight!" Don Knotts concluded. 

A Voiceover says, "This Advertisement is Paid For By The Foundation of Late Bloomers!" 

Stewie tells Brian, "Now that we're going to become meth dealers together I made something for you!" Stewie gives Brian a bottle of blue pills. "Blue pills? Is this going to be a Matrix thing or something?" Brian said. 

"No you see we are going to have rivals and authorities that will be on our tail, Brian. So if you take this pill whenever we're in a shitload of trouble, you will become huge, mean, and green!" Stewie said. 

Brian then becomes okay with the idea of him and Stewie being meth dealers. "If you have something like this that can help us get away with it. Guess I'm in!" 

* * * 

In the living room, Lois shows Meg who was sitting on the couch the coupon she got from Bruce. "Hey, Meg! How would you like to have some mother-daughter time? In a restuarant we couldn't afford!" asked Lois. Meg sees the coupon, "I'm not quite so sure about this coupon, Mom. What if we get there and the coupon expires!?" said Meg. "You're just trying to weasel your way out of this." 

Peter walks into the room. "Did I just hear you right? You're inviting Meg to go to an expensive restaurant with you? Why not me!" "Oh come on Peter! We always do stuff like this together, I want to spend time with Meg!" Lois said. Peter blows a raspberry after hearing Meg's name. Lois glares, "PETER!" "Okay I'll go. Not like I had anything else to do tonight. Just don't get your hopes up with that coupon!" said Meg. Peter said, "Aw, shit! Meg! *blows raspberry!" Lois said, "Hows about this? Meg and I will just be there for an hour, then after that Meg will leave and you can come, deal? I'll send you a text." 

Peter agrees. "Sure that's good. After all you do give me a complementary cake on Stewie's birthday every year." Lois and Meg leave the house to go to the restaurant. They go into the car. "This coupon seems to be too good to be true!" Meg tells Lois. "Stop with the uncertainty you have with the coupon, Meg! I swear! You're almost as bad as the editors who sensored the Gary Glitter song in the Joker movie!" 

Cutaway Scene:

Joquain Phoenix as the Joker is seen dancing and jumping down the stairs one by one. The Kanye West song, "Stronger" is played instead of Rock And Roll Part 2. 

On the sidewalk leading to the stores in Quahog, Brian and Stewie are headed on their latest venture. Stewie explains to Brian, "You with me? Good. The first ingredient of meth is Sudafed." "Mort's Pharmacy has that. Say, how about I try one of those blue pills to get the Sudafed?" asked Brian. "Be my guest!" Stewie handed Brian a blue pill. 

They reached Mort's Pharmacy. Swallowing the blue pill, Brian grows taller, his skin changes to green, and more muscular. Quagmire is inside and Brian walks up to him and shouts, "BOO!" Quagmire's sees the monstrosity Brian has become and Quagmire's eyes flew out of their sockets Looney Tunes style and jumped several feet into the air and ran away. "Awesome! A dude can get used to this." Brian said. 

Walking over to Mort at the counter. "Hey, welcome to Mort's Pharmacy what can I do for you today?" Brian roared, "I WANT 100 PACKS OF SUDAFED! MAKE IT SNAPPY!" Scared out of his mind, Mort gathers as much Sudafed as possible and hands it to Brian. "Here you go! This is 100! I counted it! Have a nice day!" Brian carried the 100 packs of Sudafed and went back to Stewie. "I got it!" Brian said shrinking back to his size. "Excellent! Now we go back to the lab." Stewie said. Trying to go back home a small child like voice stops them both. "Uh. Excuse me. Are you the one who took all that Sudafed?" 

Brian and Stewie turned around and see it's their 'child' Finn. "Oh shit! It's HIM!" Stewie hollored. "No! No! It can't be! It just can't be!" Brian said. 

Finn giggles and them, "What's wrong, sillies! Why are so you afraid of me?" 

Both hyperventilating Brian explains, "Hey there. Little guy. How big you've gotten. What have you been up to?" 

"Oh, not much. All my brothers and sisters died. I ran away because I was so sad. Then I found a new owner now." Finn tells Stewie and Brian.

"You asked for Sudafed. Why do you need it?" said Stewie. 

"OH, uhhhh. My owner sent me to get some. I need about 50 boxes." Finn said. 

"Do you know who we are? asked Brian handing Finn 50 boxes of Sudafed. 

"Yes, you're my real mommy and daddy. Are you? Someone told me you were." Finn said. 

"You're right we are." said Stewie. 

"Which one of you is my mommy and daddy?" 

"I'm the mommy." Stewie said. "I'm the Dad." said Brian.

"Really great to finally meet you both. Thanks for the sudafed." said Finn.

Finn walks away with the Sudafed. Brian and Stewie could not believe that they had ran into their 'son' whom they thought was long forgotten about. 

"That was a blast from the past, wasn't it Brian!" 

"It wasn't even that long ago, Stewie." 

"Let's hope we don't run into anyone else. Though, I have to say. Finn seems to have done well for himself." Stewie said. 

"He takes after his Daddy! This guy!" Brian points at himself. 

As they were about to make their way back home, they hear another familiar voice. A female British voice.

"YOU THERE! FINN YOU STAY WHERE YOU ARE!" 

Finn freezed in fear as Penelope ran up to him. "Double shit! It's her! Penelope!" Stewie shouted. 

Penelope confronts Finn, "How many times do I have to tell you not to talk to strangers! I own you know! You only answer to me! GOT THAT!" 

Finn quivered, "Yes ma'am! But, they're my real mommy and daddy!" 

Penelope yelled at Finn, "I don't care if they're Prince Harry and Meghan Markle! Besides who were talking to anyway that was so important?" 

Finn pointed to Brian and Stewie. Penelope who recognizes them right away says, "It's them! Don't move or I'll kick your ass!" 

"Can you talk to her, Brian! I don't want to see her." 

It was already too late. "A-ha! What is the meaning of harassing my dog?" Penelope asked. "We weren't harassing him. He wanted some Sudafed. For someone who was sick." Brian tells her. "Say. Penelope. What have you been up to these days?" Stewie asked. "I have my own hardware store now. And one of the employees who adopted me and Finn work there. He is the one who needs the Sudafed. Come along Finn." 

Finn faithfully follows Penelope who looks back at Brian and Stewie with an evil glare. "That's an outright lie. I don't believe her for a minute!" said Brian. "Of course, Brian. As soon as we cook our next batch of meth we'll spy on Penelope and see what her 'hardware' store really is! tee hee hee! Hardware!" giggles Stewie. 

Brian and Stewie are finally able to walk back home. "Gosh could this weird ass day get any more off-kilter." Brian said. "You're telling me. This reminds me of the time when I kidnapped Matlock.

Cutaway Scene: 

In a basement-like room. Stewie had Matlock tied to a chair. Stewie rips off the duct tape that was on Matlock's mouth. 

"OUCH!" Matlock shouts in pain. 

Stewie gloats over Matlock, "Can't wait to kill you, Matlock! hee hee hee hee! Overrated Gerry Spence caricature! Oh......and...uh you can stay but this banjo's gotta go!" Stewie then breaks Matlock's banjo. 

"NNNNOOOO!! YOU INSANE BABY ASSHOLE!" Matlock yelled out. 

As Matlock gets a phone handed to him by Stewie as he tells him, "Go ahead and talk to your friends!" 

An explosion occurred in one of the walls and out comes Bertram. "Well, well, well. If it isn't pathetic good-for-nothing Stewie Griffin!" 

"BERTRAM! I thought I killed you back in Italy during the Renaissance!" 

"I see you kidnapped a TV lawyer..... Oh my I'm so impressed!" Bertram observes. "Yeah it's Matlock! What're you gonna do about it!" Stewie challanged. 

"HA! You think you're hot shit for kidnapping Matlock! I kidnapped someone better!" Bertram tells him. 

"CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON HERE!" Matlock demands. Bertram pulls out a chair that had Raymond Burr bound and gagged to it. 

"WHAT THE DUECE! NO WAY!" Stewie sounded shocked and appalled. "You just abducted....."

"That's right! I at last got the one up on you. It's Perry Mason!" Bertram cackles like a maniac. 

Brian and Stewie were wearing hazmat suits and cooking meth along with a whimsical announcer. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Brian and Stewie are now math dealers!" 

"That's METH DEALERS you ass!" Stewie shouts throwing a barrel of meth at the announcer smashing his head as he fell to the floor in a bloody gush on his head. 

* * * 

Meanwhile at the swanky restaurant which was called Che Cookery. Lois and Meg were having dinner and casual conversation. "You're not going to comprehend what I just found out, Meg." 

"What is it?" asked Meg. "Bruce the gay guy adopted some hybrid puppies that looked so much like Brian and Stewie that died the next day. To top that all off there was one left who was so sad he ran away." Lois tells her daughter. 

"My gosh. Brian and Stewie had puppies? Hope they find that one who ran away soon. How is that even possible? Brian and Stewie having puppies like that?" asked Meg. "Beats the shit out of me. Here's some more bad news. Peter used up our credit card playing Candy Crash. Man, what a son of a bitch he can be." Lois engages. 

"That's no shocker, there. You should've talked him into getting a Google Play Gift Card, Mom." Meg said. 

Lois continues on, "If that isn't enough, I ordered three shirts from Redbubble. Once they came I ordered a large, and then when I saw the shirts, they were actually small sized shirts! What the hell!" 

"You really should order shirts from TeePublic Mom. Those are better made." suggested Meg. "You could be right. Maybe I'll give Google Play Gift Cards and TeePublic a try one of these days." said Lois. When then looks at her watch. "Looks like our hour is almost up. When Peter calls and announces he's on his way, you better leave." Lois advises her. 

"I will Mom. Don't want to be around when Peter shows up." said Meg. Lois's cellphone rings, and she answers it. Peter was on the other end and says, "Sucka Sucka Sucka Sucka Dick Dumb Shit! hee hee hee hee hee hee!" Lois gives Peter the third agree, "Peter! That is a very rude way to answer a phone call!" Peter said, "Chill out Lois! It's from Bojack Horseman! That's what Sarah Lynn used to say. So anyway, did that ugly bitch Meg leave yet?" 

"She's still here Peter, but she is going to depart soon so you can join me!" said Lois. "Holy freaking awesome, Lois! I'm on my way. The joint is called Che Cookery, right?" "Yes it is! You are learning quite well for yourself! Bye!" Lois said. Peter gets in his car and drives to Che Cookery. Lois and Meg pay the bill with the coupon and go out to try to find their car. 

They discover they are lost and could not for the life of them find their car. "It's not like this about our car! What the hell happened to it?" asked Meg. "I know! Let's try to find it in an alleyway." said Lois. "Could've gotten stolen without our knowledge. Is it wise to try to look in an alleyway?" Meg wonders. Lois and Meg's tensions were on the rise trying to look for their car. 

"Who could've done this! WHO!" Lois's tone of voice was in a heap of panic. 

Walking through the alleyway, they see their car, however once they get there, the car is all broken. "OH NO! I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO......" Lois screamed. Out of nowhere, three robbers came behind Lois and Meg. 

"You whores the owners of that car?" asked one of them. Lois and Meg turned around and yelped once they saw the thugs. 

"Greetings whores! Allow us to introduce ourselves! I'm Phil! And this is Stu, Alan and Doug!" 

"We don't have anything you want. No money no nothing!" Meg tells the carjackers. 

"We are carjackers by night. Muggers by day!" said Phil. "It doesn't matter what you have!" said Stu. "Just as long as we can mess up both up some!" said Alan. "If you know what we mean.!" said Doug. 

Lois and Meg were slowly backing away. Frightened not knowing what to do. 

"Once you get to know us...." Phil begins. "You'll find that we're......" Stu joining in. Alan then breaks out in song, "And we're the four best carjackers anybody can ever know! The four best carjackers anybody can ever know! The four best carjackers anybody can ever know!" Their 'song' was modeled after the "Best Friends" song from The Hangover. Lois and Meg were stunned and confused as ever. 

"What? We're fans of those Hangover movies, can't you tell!" laughs Doug! "Why else do we call ourselves after the characters from that movie?" 

Lois says, "This must be how Bonnie Grape felt when her kids ganged up on her on that alternate ending to What's Eating Gilbert Grape. 

Cutaway Scene: 

Gilbert, Arnie, Amy, and Ellen were gathered around the couch with bats, hockey sticks, chains, and bags of coins behind their backs. 

Bonnie says, "Hey, there kids! Did you come here to give me some love? Just to let you know I can't come to Arnie's birthday. I prefer to be here." 

Gilbert proceeds to beat Bonnie with a baseball bat. "This is for forcing me to work at a dead end job!" 

Amy beats Bonnie with a chain, "This is for making me do all the housework shit you should be doing!" 

Arnie hits Bonnie with a bag of coins, "This is for treating me like a baby!" 

Ellen hits Bonnie with a hockey stick, "This is for not being there when I got my braces off!" 

Gilbert, Amy, Ellen, and Arnie all beat Bonnie in a violent matter until she is a bloodied mess.

* * * 

After being up all night 'cooking' meth. The next day, in a seedy and ghetto part of Quahog. Brian and Stewie are selling their first batch of meth. "Not getting very much service around here, aren't we?" implies Brian. "I know, right! The 'hood is the drug addict capital of the world." Stewie said. "Noe don't forget as soon as we sell our first batch, we spy on Penelope." Brian reminds Stewie. 

"I know how we can attract more customers!" said Stewie. Running out in the middle of an empty street, Stewie begins to scream cheerleader chants. "Sound off! Go team!" "Stewie! Don't be so outspoken about it!" Brian warned him. "Relax Bri, you have those blue pills in if someone tries to kill or arrest us. So let me do this!" Stewie told him. "Do whatever you think would be good," Brian said feeling embarrassed. "Why do I let Stewie talk me into this shit!" 

Stewie does a cartwheel and chants, "GIMMIE AN M! M! We got your M! We got your M! We got your M!" Brian thinks out loud, "Why is he acting like Reese Witherspoon in Overnight Delivery?" Stewie does a handstand, "GIMME AN E! We got your E! We got your E! We got your E!" Stewie then does straddle handstand, GIMME A T! We got your T! We got your T! We got your T!" Stewie finishes it off with a handspring, GIMME AN H! We got your H! We got your H! We got your H! What does that spell....." Stewie does a flip in the air and yells, "METH!! METH!!! GET YOUR DAILY DRUG FIX! We got some METH! COME ONE COME ALL!!! OFFERS GOOD WHILE SUPPLES LAST!!!!!" 

A bunch of meth addicts run down the street and buy some meth from Brian and Stewie. The whole batch was about to be bought out clean, until the meth addicts hear an announcement. 

"ATTENTION! THERE'S A SALE GOING ON AT QUAHOG HARDWARE STORE! GET 20% OFF THE RETAIL PRICE!" The meth addicts cheer in a sing-song voice, "We're gonna get cheap hardware! We're gonna cheap hardware!" and give their meth back to Brian and Stewie. 

"What the hell, man! What could a hardware store have that can lure meth addicts?" protests Stewie. 

"Didn't you hear? Hardware Store. That's where Penelope is! This is our chance to spy on that bitch!" said Brian. 

"You're right Brian! Follow those addicts!" Stewie orders. 

Following the meth addicts to the Hardware Store, in no time at all they were all lined up. Brian and Stewie sneak to a back window to take a peel at what's going on. Inside they see Penelope and Finn making meth and the meth addicts were buying from them like crazy. "So that's what Penelope is doing! Her and our son Finn have their own meth business. Hardware must be street talk for meth!" Brian said. 

"Maybe they're having a Black Friday sale there!" jokes Stewie. 

"No time for stupid ass nonsense, Stewie! That explains why Finn wanted the Sudafed!" 

"Oh our poor dear son!" Stewie said showing empathy. "Ha! You're one to talk! You're no better! You're selling meth too!" Brian reminded.

Inside the Hardware Store, Finn sees Brian and Stewie outside the window. "MOMMY! DADDY! HI!" 

Penelope shouted, "SHUT UP! You're going to blow our whole operation! Well anyway. Have a wonderful day meth addicts! Come by tomorrow!" The meth addicts all left feeling very satisfied that they're going to get their fix. Finn pointed to the window where Brian and Stewie were watching. "LOOK PENELOPE! IT'S MOMMY AND DADDY!" Penelope sees them and shakes her fist at them, "You found out about my secret you're gonna get an ass whupping!" 

Brian and Stewie saw that Penelope had spotted them. "OH SHIT! LET'S GET THE F**K OUT OF HERE!" 

Back in the Hardware Store Penelope has a plan. "FINN!" 

Finn running up to Penelope, "Yes, Penelope?" 

"Brian and Stewie. They already know too much about us. The pose a threat so their meth business can become more popular than ours." Penelops tells Finn.

"What do you want me to do?" Finn asks. 

Penelope comes down to Finn at eye level and orders, "I want you to find Brian and Stewie!" 

"I WILL." Finn Promises.

"I want you to get Brian and Stewie. Got it?" Penelope asked. 

"I Will" Finn said. 

"Once you obtain them I want you to round them up and bring Brian and Stewie to me." Penelope says.

"I will!" Finn said. 

"Good good. NOW GET OUT THERE!" Penelope screamed at Finn. 

Running out of the Hardware Store, Finn felt some feelings of doubt. That there wasn't anything right about any of this. "Gee, I sure hope Penelope won't hurt Mommy and Daddy. At times like this I wish I would've stayed with Bruce......" 

* * * 

Lois and Meg were at the mercy of the carjackers. Doug, Alan, Stu, and Phil had guns pointed at them both. 

"Your money or your life!" said Doug to them. 

"Mom, what is a phobia that begins with the letter A?" Meg shook. "Think it's called agrophobia. I might have it right about now. Gosh I regret going down this alleyway!" Lois said. Meg adds, "But at least some good came out of it by finding our car." 

"Shut the hell up! Keep your regrets to yourselves!" said Phil. "Throw over your purses!" Alan ordered at them. 

Lois and Meg throw their purses to them. Stu looks into the purses and takes their money. "Thanks for the dough, bitches! Now there's something else we want!" 

"What now! Why not just leave us alone!" said Lois. "We carjacked your car, we want to have some fun with you!" said Stu. "You have no idea what's going to happen do you?" said Phil. "Uh, we gotta guess!" said Meg. 

"Now that you gave us your money we want you to throw us your whip and your idol!" said Doug. "But, we don't have that shit!" Lois tells the carjackers. "WHAT! Yes you do! All women carry whips and idols in their purses! We said it once we'll say it again! Throw us your whips and your idols!" demanded Doug. 

"We don't have any!" yelled Meg! Doug, Alan, Stu, and Phil got really enraged. So they grab Lois and Meg. Slap them around, and push them to the ground. "Just keep doing what you're doing! You'll get yours soon!" Lois shouted wanting to retaliate somehow against the carjackers. 

Doug and Phil have their feet on Meg and pointed a gun at the temple of her head. "If you don't give us your whips and idols....your son here is going to meet the man downstairs!" all the carjackers laughed. 

"She's my daughter! We don't have whips or idols!" Lois tells them. "MOM HELP ME!" screamed Meg. "We'll get you for this you bastards! It may not be right now but someday soon!" 

"SHUT UP!!" Alan shouted in Lois's face. Lois then remembers Peter is on his way to pick them up from Che Cookery. "Oh gosh Peter. It's like I sent him on a wild goose chase. What will happen if he sees we are not there......." 

Peter is driving to Che Cookery and notices that Lois's car was gone. "Oh no! She was supposed to be here! Whatever could've happened?" Peter began to fear the worse. "This is more scarier then PSAs!" 

Cutaway Scene:

Two glass jugs of beer slowly collide into each other. Glass shatters and beer spills all over. A Voiceover says, "DRINKING AND DRIVING CAN KILL A FRIENDSHIP!" A record needle scratch is heard and Peter pulls the commercial as if he were breaking down a brick wall. 

"Well that's a bunch of bullshit! Drinking and Driving isn't scary at all! If anything is remotely terrifying it's these stupid PSAs! Forget Drinking and Driving! PSAs can Kill Trust!" 

Peter then gets an idea, "Well, luckily I got my old OnStar in my car!" "OnStar! Locate my wife Lois for me!" The OnStar tells Peter, "Your wife is in a back alley!" "Thanks! OnStar. Knew I can count on you! Hang on tight, Lois! Here I come! Gonna turn on some jams to pump me up!" Peter turns on the radio and Corey Hart's Sunglasses At Night plays. Peter sings along, "Don't (beep) around with the guy in shades no more!" 

* * * 

Brian and Stewie were back in the seedy part of Quahog selling their meth. "Let's not lose any costumers this time around, hey Brian?" Stewie told him. "So far nobody showing up! All because Penelope's meth is selling like hotcakes!" Brian implied. Thinking about the blue pills Stewie gave him, Brian thinks to throw them out, but Stewie gives him a look not to. 

The see a figure running in the distance. "Look, Brian! A customer! Finally!" Stewie points. the figure turns out to be Finn. "Finn! What're you doing here?" asked Brian. "Mommy, Daddy. Penelope is a very bad girl." Finn tells them. "You don't know the half of it!" Stewie mumbled. Finn explains, "Think I want to live with you guys now. Anything to get away from her." Brian sheds a tear and tells Finn, "You're welcome to stay with us, Finn! Come here big guy!" Brian gives Finn a hug then Finn hugs Stewie. 

"Let's go home! You're going to really love living with us!" Brian tells Finn. "Indeed you will. You'll also meet your grandparents too! You even have cousins! They're very lame trust me. You'll like us better!" Stewie told Finn. Behind Brian and Stewie there were some people wearing black hoods far away. Finn looks at them and says hesitantly, "Okay, now!" Brian and Stewie turned and shouted, "YIKES! What the...." 

The people in the black hoods were meth dealers who were working for Penelope. They knocked out Brian and Stewie with tasers and threw their unconscious bodies into nets. 

Finn cried, "Sorry Mommy and Daddy. I didn't mean it. Was just following orders....." The black hooded people carried Brian and Stewie into a van and drove off to the Hardware Store. Penelope comes to Finn with a tricycle, "Very good work, Finn. Always knew I can count on you! Come on back to the Hardware Store, now!" Penelope grabs Finn and rides back with him to the Hardware Store. 

"Don't hurt my Mommy and Daddy! Mommy! Daddy! WWWAAAAHHHHHH!" Finn sobbed like crazy. "SHUT UP! If you want to work in the meth business you need to toughen your sorry hide!" Penelope hollored. 

Still having their lives in danger of the carjackers, they decide they have 'their way' with Lois and Meg. "All right. Since you won't give us your whips and idols." said Phil. "We're gonna give you a night you'll never forget!" Alan said. "I'll take their tops, and you guys take their bottoms!" said Doug. 

"I DON'T THINK SO!" said a familiar voice. 

"Who the f**k said that!" Stu said. 

The voice was Peter Griffin. "Stop evildoers! For that is my wife you are messing with! As for my daughter...well..... she's of no importance to me...." 

"Peter! You came!" Lois said. 

"Dad! Do something!" Meg begged.

Stu, Alan, Doug, and Phil all had their eyes on Peter. "What're you going to do about it, fatass!" said Phil.

Peter said, "I'm gonna take you out! The same way Brad Pitt took out Bruce Lee in Once Upon a Time In Hollywood. 

Cutaway Scene:

Brad Pitt lumbered over the beaten up Bruce Lee.

"Ha! Not such a legend after all! You were easy to defeat!" laughed Brad Pitt. 

"Get him!" Alan said as he and the carjackers were lunging at Peter until he holds out his hand to them. "STOP HOLD IT!"

"Think we're gonna listen to you ass?" asked Doug.

"You want to know how I'll beat you? I am going to use a little something called Rhapsody!" Peter said. 

"Uhhh, Bohemian Rhapsody?" asked Alan. "Better than Bohemian Rhapsody." Peter says. "I know! Rhapsody in Blue?" asked Stu. "Better than Rhapsody in Blue! What I am talking about is Hungarian Rhapsody! My friend Tom the Cat of Tom and Jerry fame well assist me on the piano! Take it away Tom! You won't have to worry about that pesky mouse Jerry coming after you this time!" 

Tom was on the piano playing the intro to Hungarian Rhapsody. Lois and Meg were holding onto hope that Peter knew what he was doing. "Uh, what's the point to this, I don't get it!" said Doug. 

"You'll see soon!" Peter said. Tom was done playing the first verse of Hungarian Rhapsody then began to play the second verse. Peter then kept slapping the faces of Doug, Stu, Alan, and Phil to the rhythm of the song. "Wow! Peter is slapping them to the beat of the music!" Lois said as she watched. Faster and faster Peter kept slapping up the faces of the carjackers. Tom was about to finish the song on the piano. Peter them finishes off the carjackers by punching them to the final beats of the song. Then Tom plays the three note ending and Peter goes up and farts in Meg's face. Lois claps for him. Doug, Alan, Phil, and Stu days of being carjackers were finished.

Moving on here....let's see what Brian and Stewie are up to now.

The song Wish You Were Red By The Trailer Trash Tracys plays. 

Tied to chairs with their hands bound behind their backs, Brian and Stewie wake up to find themselves in a horror show. They see Penelope. Beside her was a sobbing Finn. The people in the black hoods who captured them surrounded them had guns aimed at them. 

"Good you're awake!" Penelope said. "Why are you doing this?" Brian wanted to know. "I've always known you were insane Penelope!" Stewie said. "I'm sorry Mommy and Daddy! She made me do it!" Finn cried. "We understand!" Brian tells Finn. 

"I captured you here to give you two choices. Choice number one. I kill you both. Choice number two one of you joins me. The other dies!" Penelope says. One of the black hooded men takes a dead crocodile and places it on a meat hook. Penelope takes out a wasp knife and pokes the dead crocodile with it. 

The crocodile explodes in a mess of blood, bones, and organs. Brian and Stewie puke at the sight of the blown up crocodile. One of the black hooded men takes the crocodile's skull and taunts Stewie with it. "HA! HA! HA!" "Yeeeek!" Stewie shrieks at the sight of the crocodile skull. Finn looked as if he was going to be scarred for life. "Poor ally gator." Finn cried. 

"That is how one of you will die if you make the decision to join me." explains Penelope. 

"What the f**k is this? A Meth Dealer's version of Sophie's Choice?" shouts Brian. "Why do you want to kill us, Penelope!" Stewie said. "Because there can only be ONE meth dealing kingpin in Quahog and THAT IS ME!" Penelope screams at them both. "Were you afraid of us being your rivals or something?" Brian asked. "Yes of course! Despite me selling meth at low prices, you two posed a threat to me. Meth addicts pay good money for drugs like this." "So you thought we were going to become more popular than you." Stewie said. 

"Exactly! Men!" Penelope ordered. The black hooded men ran up to Brian and Stewie about ready to kill them. "Can't you at least give us a final request or something?" asked Stewie sweating fearfully. "You didn't make a decision on what to do. So I'll kill you both on the spot and make Finn watch!" Penelope gleefully laughed. Finn cried, "NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Stewie whispered, "Brian the pills! Use the pills!" Brian broke free from the rope and took a pill bottle out of his pocket and swallowed a pill. Stewie broke free from his rope as well. "I don't need rescuing." 

Brian grew green and muscular he did before. "Men, shoot him!" Penelope orders. The black hooded men tried to shoot Brian but the bullets bounced off him. "I AM BRIAN THE BARBARIAN! BRIAN MASTER THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME!" Brian raged on. "Daddy!" Finn said. "AH! HA! POPEYE AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME! BRING IT ON BITCHES!" Brian roared. Stewie grabbed Finn and taken him to a safe place. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" Penelope shouted. Using his growth Brian squashed Penelope's meth operation. Brian grabbed some of the black hooded men and threw them all around. All the black hooded men were all dead. "MY METH! MY WORK! MY MEN! MY EVERYTHING!" Penelope screamed. 

Brian went up to Stewie, picked up him and Finn and used his super strength to break apart the Hardware Store. Brian ran away with Stewie and Finn. Penelope was left with nothing. "I WILL GET MY REVENGE! YOU WILL SUFFER FOR THIS BRIAN AND STEWIE! I'LL GET YOU TOO FINN! FOR BEING ON THEIR SIDE!" Penelope yelled into the sky with a promise of vengance. 

"That was awesome Brian! I knew those blue pills will come through!" Stewie said. "Ahh, it was nothing! I can get used to this!" Brian said feeling proud about the pills making him be a warrior. "So, Finn, how would you like to meet your family!" Stewie asked. "I would love that. Better than Penelope!" Finn answered. 

At the alleyway. Peter tied up Alan, Stu, Phil, and Doug. "Where did you learn to fight like that?" asked Lois. "Saw it on Ripley's Believe it Or Not." said Peter. "Way to go Dad!" Meg said but was ignored. "Got them all rounded up!" Peter told Lois. "Good for you, Peter! You saved both of our lives!" Lois complements.

"Couldn't have done it without my friend Tom! Take a bow Tom!" Tom takes a bow and says his goodbyes once he spots Jerry running around. Tom then chases Jerry into the night. Peter continues, "All we need to do is call Joe and he'll take it from here!" Peter was about to call Joe then Brian walks by still green and muscular and by accident steps on Alan, Stu, Phil, Doug, and even Meg. Who were all now flat as pancakes. "Hi, Peter and Lois! Sorry about that!" Brian called out. 

* * * 

In the morning back at the Griffin's House. Brian and Stewie introduced Finn to the family. All of them sitting on the couch. Peter picked up Finn. "So this is my grandson, huh? Hey there little guy! Who's a good doggie! Who's a good doggie!" Finn laughs. Lois picks up Finn and hugs him, "Got some kisses for your Granny?" Finn kissed Lois on the cheek. Then Finn was introduced to Chris and Meg. "Here's your cousin, Chris!" "Hi little puppy! You're so cute!" "And your other cousin Meg." Unfortunately Meg was still flat as a pancake from when Brian stepped on her. "Eeeeeehhhhhh. Pup-pee." Meg moaned. Finn laughed at Meg.

Lois begins, "So Stewie. How in the world did you have these babies when you're a baby yourself?" Stewie answers, "It's all about DNA, Lois! I'm also a scientific genius to boot!" 

Brian asked Finn, "Would you like to live here with us?" Stewie offers, "If you do you can go on adventures with us. We'll be that kind of family! Wait until you see my time machine!" 

"No, I don't think so." said Finn. The Griffins were shocked. "Why not, little guy. We were just getting to know you." Peter said. "I wanna go back with Bruce. I feel so bad for running away then ending up with that bad girl Penelope. Mommy and Daddy. I love you two but you're both just too dangerous for me." Finn tells everyone. A doorbell rang, Lois answers it and it was Bruce, "Hey, Lois! Did you have fun with that coupon I gave you?" Bruce then sees Finn. "Bless you Griffins! Y'all found my puppy! Come to Papa Finn!" 

Bruce and Finn hugged and kissed each other. Finn turns to Brian and Stewie, "You both can come visit me anytime you want! You're always going to be my real parents, but my heart belongs to and my place is with Bruce!" 

Brian said, "Okay son. We respect your decision." "Have a safe trip home and don't ever run away again." said Stewie. Brian and Stewie both sobbed in each other's arms. "Our baby! Our baby!" 

Bruce and Finn says their goodbyes to the Griffin family. "Y'all can have Finn on weekends how does that sound?" 

"Sorry I ran away, Bruce. I fell into some bad company. Don't punish me, please." Finn apologized. "That's all right. Think you learned your lesson. You were grieving for your brothers and sisters and didn't know how to cope. How about it, Griffins?" Bruce spoke. 

"We'd like that. Thanks for much, Bruce." said Lois. "No thank y'all! Come on Finn!" 

The Griffins agreed to come over on weekends to visit Finn. Brian and Stewie decide to have more safer experiences with Finn instead of going on danger filled incidents. They never saw Penelope again. Not only that, Brian and Stewie decide to never mess around with drugs (including meth) ever again.

The End

The Proceeding Has Been A Narwhal Puppy Production!


End file.
